Unconditional love, or parenting?

"I think men have convinced women that support isn’t being given if they’re correcting us. We’ve convinced them that they only way to support us is to stand by us “no matter what”. For a lot of men, that “no matter what” means no questioning whether or not we’ve done wrong. Men often turn relationships into a parent/child situation for a woman. They put women in that same position that they’re often in with their children where they have to show disappointment in the actions and come back later and explain why disappointment actually is support.

I’ve often tried to explain to family members and friends the wrong in unconditional support. We often hear the words “unconditional support” and think that means that whatever you do, if someone supports you, they should stand with you. It’s often confused with unconditional love.

Unconditional love suggests that I love you, no matter what the circumstances are. However, if you unconditionally support someone, you may be doing them a disservice. Some things shouldn’t have our support attached to them because it may hurt the person doing it or it may hurt others. These are things that we shouldn’t support. The love can remain, but the support can’t. At times, this is the difference between someone changing their ways and continuing on in destructive behavior. If a woman loves you, she has to love you enough to tell you when you’re wrong. Her support needs to be connected to her willingness to speak out when you’re wrong.

When a man hears those words of unconditional love and support from his woman, he must resist the urge to run wild because he knows she’ll be there. He must resist the urge to turn his blessing into a curse for the woman. It doesn’t mean that men get unlimited chances to embarrass a woman or break her heart. It means that when you do screw up, she wants to give you the benefit of the doubt. She wants to believe it was a mistake. She wants to believe that you’ll make it right. She wants to believe that you’re worth her putting her love, her emotions and sometimes, her reputation on the line. You can’t screw that up by playing with fire. Every woman has a breaking point and sooner or later, you’ll get burned."

No, unconditional love doesn't mean loving you even when you're a prick. Anything that intentionally causes pain is not love — it's abuse.

Read the full article here: http://www.examiner.com/article/men-will-often-test-a-woman-s-unconditional-love-and-support

On a lighter note...

Amidst all the seriousness of emotional abuse, I thought it'd be nice to share funny stuff for a change. My friends and I were having a discussion about a particular guy who claimed to like but played hard to get with someone we know, to the point of emotionally abusing her. And then tried his best to get her to sleep with him. While the situation wasn't funny, some of my friends came up with responses that made all of us laugh. Maybe it will make others out there laugh too!

"Is he that insecure? I mean c'mon... grow a pair!"

"What does he expect you to be? His queen in shining armour or something?"

"I think he needs to grow some HAIR on his CHEST."

"He needs help."

"He's the kind of guy you cast aside. Throw away."

"When does a guy act like that? When's he's a DICK."

"His friends really want him to get laid."

"So he basically ruined his chances with you AND all the girls you know. Good going."

"He's pathetic. I'm surprised you even gave him the time of day."

"Oh no! Poor him. So hard to be a decent human being."

"A guy who genuinely likes you and has integrity will not give a monkey's about whether or not you sleep with him. And it does not matter if it's a 6 month or one year or two year wait. He will stick around."

"He never had a decent girl's attention before you. Power corrupts."

"Manipulative, controlling AND personality disordered. I'd say he's a ticking bomb of danger."

"If he wants the honeymoon, he has to give you the courtship... which starts AFTER the first three dates. And yeah no, he's not that good. 'Cause if he was, he'd know how to be a gentleman."

"He never calls? Doesn't reply to texts within a respectable period? Doesn't arrange dates? Never offers to pay for dinner? Doesn't tell you anything about his life? Doesn't make an effort to meet your friends or make you meet his? Wants you to keep mum about all of this? And he wants sex? Haha. What does he think he's doing, blessing you with his divine presence?"

"His end goal was sex. Not you."

"He needs a mother and someone to have sex with. Not a girlfriend."

"His problem is that he wants a bimbo. And that you're not it."

"He wants a wife without a commitment? Haha."

"He was 'scarred' in the 'past'? PLEASE, we've all been 'scarred'."

"Clearly his past is more important to him than you."

"If he doesn't have the time for a girl, he can well live without one."

"He wants all the perks of a relationship without having to deal with any of the responsibility or commitment that comes with it. Who does he think he is? Someone with Brad Pitt's face and John Abraham's body?"

"I feel sorry for him. Even if he does find someone who caters to his every whim, he will never know the joy of a happy and mutually fulfilling relationship. Also, poor girl."

"If he wants a submissive housewife, he shouldn't be dating a modern woman."

"He stares other women down when he's got a gorgeous girl on his arm? It's fucking intentional — to bring down your self esteem."

"He's exactly the category of the repulsive male who will want a girl, want a girl, want a girl, and then, when he has her, will get bored with her in two days. Two. Days. Such men aren't made for love. They're only made for manipulation, obsession and perversion."

"He's bisexual."

"The world is your oyster. And he's an asshole."

"He's an asshole."

"He's an asshole."

"He's an asshole."

"I have different levels at which I classify assholes. I used to think he fell at the second. But no, he's at the top. Top level asshole + calculative bastard."

and... the best of all...

"If he ever — for even a single moment — thought that I'd hand over my daughter to someone like him, he'd have to be highly delusional."

Men who can't man up

The frustration within orthodox men when a good-looking, virtuous, overall eligible female is also independent and outspoken — priceless. They want 'em but aren't secure enough to deal with 'em. C'mon, they're losing out on a catch just because of their own insecurities. They will be frustrated! If such women don't steer clear, these men turn into abusers. So, modern non-submissive women, be cautious. Mama's boys need mothers — not life partners. The only time they show their masculinity will be in the bedroom. Just like teenage boys who thrive on porn. 

An excellent article I found on "the fake Alpha", written by a man himself. Respect.

"The guys who rail against emotional vulnerability are inevitably the same guys who go on to complain in the next breath about women flaking on them, getting cockblocked, or encountering resistance. All things that may as well cease to exist when you connect with a girl on that deeper emotional level.

A man who is unable or unwilling to 'go there', only sub-communicates insecurity. And being insecure isn’t very alpha… bro.

Which brings me to the Fake Alpha. The industry is rife with it, and I feel like even though it provides short-term improvements in guys’ results, it plants seeds of really fucked up beliefs about women.

When a guy has spent his entire life being needy (or 'beta'), magically transforming himself into an 'alpha' is much easier said than done. One must develop genuine confidence, self-respect, a healthy sense of boundaries among other things. It’s often a painful long-term process that entails quite a bit of introspection, questioning, doubt, anger, frustration, personal development, lifestyle changes, and so on.

But there’s a shortcut. And that’s to objectify women. When a woman becomes merely another conquest, a number, something to treat like a trophy or a toy, it suddenly becomes extremely easy to assert yourself around them, to prioritize your own values and beliefs over theirs, to risk rejection around them, and dominate any perspectives they may have — all attractive 'alpha' traits, merely expressed in horrible ways."

Read the entire article here: http://markmanson.net/the-fake-alpha-males

Patriarch psychology — a preferred persona in today's times?

Inside every seemingly responsible man who has landed his first steady job is an immature clueless boy trying really hard to look grown up. This unconscious desire to play house, where papa goes to work and mama cooks at home, is the root of modern relationship conflict. Were you as uptight when you went to high school or college? Sure, go make a living, but don't let it kill who you are. Especially when in reality, you know that you shrug responsibility. Life is easier when people are their authentic selves, and not trying to live up to some false standards set by society — both for you, and those around you. Don't pretend to be responsible when you can't even wash your own dishes. Don't delude people. Don't take on what you can't handle just to prove to yourself how worthy you are, wreaking havoc along the way and leaving others to clean up your mess. That's not being responsible. It's just a futile exercise in wanting to feel validated. Your persona is not what will matter in the end. Your personality will. A mature individual is someone who can take responsibility for their own actions and behaviours, without having to shift blame outwards. Are you confident that that's who you are?

Letter to 1800, from 2013

Dear boys,

Every girl's aim in life is not to have your babies. Commitment and marriage are not the same thing. Just like sexual abuse is no longer viewed as something that has to be physically forceful, a committed relationship is no longer viewed as something that requires a legal stamp of approval. We're not eager to leave behind our erstwhile lives, doting parents, friends and career ambitions to step into the unknown; neither do we expect the same from you.

Loyalty and commitment are virtues — not technicalities. Get over your paranoia.

Sincerely,

2013