Unconditional love, or parenting?

"I think men have convinced women that support isn’t being given if they’re correcting us. We’ve convinced them that they only way to support us is to stand by us “no matter what”. For a lot of men, that “no matter what” means no questioning whether or not we’ve done wrong. Men often turn relationships into a parent/child situation for a woman. They put women in that same position that they’re often in with their children where they have to show disappointment in the actions and come back later and explain why disappointment actually is support.

I’ve often tried to explain to family members and friends the wrong in unconditional support. We often hear the words “unconditional support” and think that means that whatever you do, if someone supports you, they should stand with you. It’s often confused with unconditional love.

Unconditional love suggests that I love you, no matter what the circumstances are. However, if you unconditionally support someone, you may be doing them a disservice. Some things shouldn’t have our support attached to them because it may hurt the person doing it or it may hurt others. These are things that we shouldn’t support. The love can remain, but the support can’t. At times, this is the difference between someone changing their ways and continuing on in destructive behavior. If a woman loves you, she has to love you enough to tell you when you’re wrong. Her support needs to be connected to her willingness to speak out when you’re wrong.

When a man hears those words of unconditional love and support from his woman, he must resist the urge to run wild because he knows she’ll be there. He must resist the urge to turn his blessing into a curse for the woman. It doesn’t mean that men get unlimited chances to embarrass a woman or break her heart. It means that when you do screw up, she wants to give you the benefit of the doubt. She wants to believe it was a mistake. She wants to believe that you’ll make it right. She wants to believe that you’re worth her putting her love, her emotions and sometimes, her reputation on the line. You can’t screw that up by playing with fire. Every woman has a breaking point and sooner or later, you’ll get burned."

No, unconditional love doesn't mean loving you even when you're a prick. Anything that intentionally causes pain is not love — it's abuse.

Read the full article here: http://www.examiner.com/article/men-will-often-test-a-woman-s-unconditional-love-and-support

On a lighter note...

Amidst all the seriousness of emotional abuse, I thought it'd be nice to share funny stuff for a change. My friends and I were having a discussion about a particular guy who claimed to like but played hard to get with someone we know, to the point of emotionally abusing her. And then tried his best to get her to sleep with him. While the situation wasn't funny, some of my friends came up with responses that made all of us laugh. Maybe it will make others out there laugh too!

"Is he that insecure? I mean c'mon... grow a pair!"

"What does he expect you to be? His queen in shining armour or something?"

"I think he needs to grow some HAIR on his CHEST."

"He needs help."

"He's the kind of guy you cast aside. Throw away."

"When does a guy act like that? When's he's a DICK."

"His friends really want him to get laid."

"So he basically ruined his chances with you AND all the girls you know. Good going."

"He's pathetic. I'm surprised you even gave him the time of day."

"Oh no! Poor him. So hard to be a decent human being."

"A guy who genuinely likes you and has integrity will not give a monkey's about whether or not you sleep with him. And it does not matter if it's a 6 month or one year or two year wait. He will stick around."

"He never had a decent girl's attention before you. Power corrupts."

"Manipulative, controlling AND personality disordered. I'd say he's a ticking bomb of danger."

"If he wants the honeymoon, he has to give you the courtship... which starts AFTER the first three dates. And yeah no, he's not that good. 'Cause if he was, he'd know how to be a gentleman."

"He never calls? Doesn't reply to texts within a respectable period? Doesn't arrange dates? Never offers to pay for dinner? Doesn't tell you anything about his life? Doesn't make an effort to meet your friends or make you meet his? Wants you to keep mum about all of this? And he wants sex? Haha. What does he think he's doing, blessing you with his divine presence?"

"His end goal was sex. Not you."

"He needs a mother and someone to have sex with. Not a girlfriend."

"His problem is that he wants a bimbo. And that you're not it."

"He wants a wife without a commitment? Haha."

"He was 'scarred' in the 'past'? PLEASE, we've all been 'scarred'."

"Clearly his past is more important to him than you."

"If he doesn't have the time for a girl, he can well live without one."

"He wants all the perks of a relationship without having to deal with any of the responsibility or commitment that comes with it. Who does he think he is? Someone with Brad Pitt's face and John Abraham's body?"

"I feel sorry for him. Even if he does find someone who caters to his every whim, he will never know the joy of a happy and mutually fulfilling relationship. Also, poor girl."

"If he wants a submissive housewife, he shouldn't be dating a modern woman."

"He stares other women down when he's got a gorgeous girl on his arm? It's fucking intentional — to bring down your self esteem."

"He's exactly the category of the repulsive male who will want a girl, want a girl, want a girl, and then, when he has her, will get bored with her in two days. Two. Days. Such men aren't made for love. They're only made for manipulation, obsession and perversion."

"He's bisexual."

"The world is your oyster. And he's an asshole."

"He's an asshole."

"He's an asshole."

"He's an asshole."

"I have different levels at which I classify assholes. I used to think he fell at the second. But no, he's at the top. Top level asshole + calculative bastard."

and... the best of all...

"If he ever — for even a single moment — thought that I'd hand over my daughter to someone like him, he'd have to be highly delusional."

Men who can't man up

The frustration within orthodox men when a good-looking, virtuous, overall eligible female is also independent and outspoken — priceless. They want 'em but aren't secure enough to deal with 'em. C'mon, they're losing out on a catch just because of their own insecurities. They will be frustrated! If such women don't steer clear, these men turn into abusers. So, modern non-submissive women, be cautious. Mama's boys need mothers — not life partners. The only time they show their masculinity will be in the bedroom. Just like teenage boys who thrive on porn. 

An excellent article I found on "the fake Alpha", written by a man himself. Respect.

"The guys who rail against emotional vulnerability are inevitably the same guys who go on to complain in the next breath about women flaking on them, getting cockblocked, or encountering resistance. All things that may as well cease to exist when you connect with a girl on that deeper emotional level.

A man who is unable or unwilling to 'go there', only sub-communicates insecurity. And being insecure isn’t very alpha… bro.

Which brings me to the Fake Alpha. The industry is rife with it, and I feel like even though it provides short-term improvements in guys’ results, it plants seeds of really fucked up beliefs about women.

When a guy has spent his entire life being needy (or 'beta'), magically transforming himself into an 'alpha' is much easier said than done. One must develop genuine confidence, self-respect, a healthy sense of boundaries among other things. It’s often a painful long-term process that entails quite a bit of introspection, questioning, doubt, anger, frustration, personal development, lifestyle changes, and so on.

But there’s a shortcut. And that’s to objectify women. When a woman becomes merely another conquest, a number, something to treat like a trophy or a toy, it suddenly becomes extremely easy to assert yourself around them, to prioritize your own values and beliefs over theirs, to risk rejection around them, and dominate any perspectives they may have — all attractive 'alpha' traits, merely expressed in horrible ways."

Read the entire article here: http://markmanson.net/the-fake-alpha-males

Patriarch psychology — a preferred persona in today's times?

Inside every seemingly responsible man who has landed his first steady job is an immature clueless boy trying really hard to look grown up. This unconscious desire to play house, where papa goes to work and mama cooks at home, is the root of modern relationship conflict. Were you as uptight when you went to high school or college? Sure, go make a living, but don't let it kill who you are. Especially when in reality, you know that you shrug responsibility. Life is easier when people are their authentic selves, and not trying to live up to some false standards set by society — both for you, and those around you. Don't pretend to be responsible when you can't even wash your own dishes. Don't delude people. Don't take on what you can't handle just to prove to yourself how worthy you are, wreaking havoc along the way and leaving others to clean up your mess. That's not being responsible. It's just a futile exercise in wanting to feel validated. Your persona is not what will matter in the end. Your personality will. A mature individual is someone who can take responsibility for their own actions and behaviours, without having to shift blame outwards. Are you confident that that's who you are?

Letter to 1800, from 2013

Dear boys,

Every girl's aim in life is not to have your babies. Commitment and marriage are not the same thing. Just like sexual abuse is no longer viewed as something that has to be physically forceful, a committed relationship is no longer viewed as something that requires a legal stamp of approval. We're not eager to leave behind our erstwhile lives, doting parents, friends and career ambitions to step into the unknown; neither do we expect the same from you.

Loyalty and commitment are virtues — not technicalities. Get over your paranoia.

Sincerely,

2013

The Great Indian Hypocrisy

When it comes to women, a particular mentality is very clearly dominant in Asia. However, since I technically come from one country, I'll hold off on generalisation and speak only with context to that one — India.

Feminism has been a stimulating topic, more so in the recent past, and although there's a sense of comparatively more awareness than before, far too much is yet to be achieved. My blood boils every time I come across an Indian male who has stringent ideas about what's "girlfriend material" and what's "wife material". They divide women into these black-and-white categories, that actually reflect their restricted thinking. Yet, they believe themselves to be modern. And maybe they are, if modernity only means dressing in a Westernised manner, being well-versed in Western languages, driving a foreign car and being able to drink or go out to clubs. Modernity isn't the same as Westernisation, and it definitely isn't the same as broad-mindedness (really, look them up). What's worse is that these people belong to my generation, that is supposedly better educated and more aware in comparison to older generations. It's a shame, really.

I have lost respect for some of my own acquaintances because in their heads, a girl is either labelled "a good girl" or a "slut". For them, any girl who's openly vocal, enjoys a drink, is better at her career than cooking, cleaning or sewing, wears well-fitted dresses and short skirts is subconsciously labelled a girl with a "loose" character. This girl could have the cleanest record of them all, but to the average Indian male, it's impossible for such a girl to have not had a string of boyfriends. It's a concept that's beyond their comprehension and almost feels as if their brains lack the elasticity to accommodate a new viewpoint. The actual problem is that these men use their words too "loosely", in my opinion. And oh, this is the girl they can have fun with, before their equally hypocritical parents tie them off with a boring, saree-clad man-worshipper, who will cook for them everyday. Indian men are entitled to one-night stands, of course, but they want to marry a "pure", untouched virgin.

Of course, a girl who dresses conservatively, knows how to prepare every possible recipe of daal and aloo-gobhi, spends her time blowing up her father's money instead of working and earning a living herself is of a strong character. Now, the fact that this girl secretly sneaks off for a weekend away with her boyfriend in another city is unbelievable. How is that even possible? She seems so... safe. In other words, less of a threat to the massive Indian male ego.

Bollywood isn't the ideal source to look at for examples in support of broad-minded women, but some of the newer flicks challenge old ideas — thanks to younger directors and script writers who have travelled the world, and had a broader view on life in general. Here's a scene from a fairly recent Bollywood film that endorses what I'm trying to convey:


If only a character like Imran Khan's was common in real life.

I'm not saying that all Asian or Indian men think in a narrow-minded way (I do have some very respectable well-bred male friends). But the ones that do definitely outnumber the rare broad-minded ones. It's very convenient for them to overlook their weakness of character, when they try their best to flirt and get a girl to go out with them, and then hold it against the girl for having responded positively to their advances. 'How could she agree? If she was virtuous, she would only be with a guy she knew would marry her. I want to get to know her completely before I can marry her. But what if she isn't marriage material?' Well, in that case, these men have no right to even try hitting on a girl. They should let their parents do all the work for them. Opt for a setting that corresponds to evaluating a candidate for a job, where all they need to know is how the girl dresses, whether she can cook, and how many siblings she has. Of course, arranged marriages are all about "getting to know someone before you commit to them".

This repulsive mentality can only change when girls themselves refuse to accept it. Such men need to know that it is very much possible for a girl to reject them, or not want to marry them. A formal education and daddy's money don't make for an ideal life partner. If that's the way you think, are you husband material? Most certainly not.

For the New Year

(With regard to the recent death of a 23-year-old girl who was gang raped in Delhi, and the consequent nation-wide protest.)

Let’s not debate over the difference between genuine outrage and armchair activism. Every person’s expression of sadness, disapproval, anger or frustration is crucial to not letting the movement die down. If the government can have two girls arrested for one Facebook status, it can very well be influenced by thousands of them. It may be an entirely different matter, though, to consider why action against serious criminals has been slower in comparison to the arrest of two young girls who merely exercised their Right to Freedom of Opinion and Expression.

Let’s not debate over Delhi being or not being the rape capital, or other phrases being used. The issue is multiple times larger – let’s not trivialise it by indulging in personal debates and linguistic snobbery. Let’s not use it to feed our egos. Let’s not stoop to the level of those we loathe right now. Let’s show some respect. After all, India is a country that goes on and on about respect, ad nauseam – for elders, for religion, for family, for traditions. Let’s function in sync with this particular “Indian value” and show some respect for a 23-year-old girl who is no more, and for her family.

With that, I want to reiterate a point, in simple words, that some of India has been trying to make, and not just for the last 15 days: the country does not treat its women right and action needs to be taken against it.

No matter how proud I may feel of my generation for its activism, it is unfortunate, if not shameful, that it took a lurid incident to shake us out of our slumber. It’s ridiculous that it took the loss of an innocent life to spark such “outrage”. Let’s be fair and acknowledge that we had kept shut all these years. And that it took this long for each conscience to give in.

I recognise that there have been strong movements like Slut Walk that emerged much before this incident. But let’s face that it was this particular incident that was the last straw for a revolution of this scale. If the government is inefficient, we’re not faultless either. I call her brave because she had the will to live, even amidst all the unimaginable pain. It’s beyond sad that she didn’t have her wish fulfilled but she definitely did not have this done to her just so the nation could be awakened. As much as we blame the politicians and the police, we need to look inward and blame ourselves for being complacent all this while.

The generations before ours did what they did or didn’t what they didn’t. However, at present, it is fortunate that India has people who are willing to stand up for their own rights. Let’s be thankful for that, encourage that and continue to be a part of that. It offers hope, if not assurance, that leaders of the country who are in a state of inertia right now can’t remain this way for long. The strong momentum is bound to make them mobile, too. It testifies that we’ve acknowledged the need for a change in attitude and for urgency in action, and that now, we won’t settle for anything less than concrete results.

Over the past two weeks, activists, journalists, writers, actors, directors, singers, doctors and students have appeared on various debates hosted by Indian news channels and expressed their views with what needs to be done now. And that should be the focus of the nation at this point, in my opinion. Quite a few rational ideas have been put forward to supplement the obvious. A good example is TV presenter Gaurav Kapur’s suggestion of instigating sex education in schools so that young Indian boys can learn to stop treating sex like “candy” and girls like mysterious, foreign entities. A point was rightly made stating that sex is actually not a taboo in India; considering our current population, the country is clearly having tons of it. So, let’s not be hypocritical about it.

An observation by theatre producer and director Kaizad Kotwal accurately put the spotlight on how religion in India can be blamed for a value system that teaches women to consider themselves less than men.  Oh c’mon, why else would karvachauth exist?

However controversial they may be with a considerably narrow minded section of society in existence, these observations show the reality that India lives in. Changing age-old thoughts is not easy but it definitely isn’t a fantastical ambition, either.

Candlelight marches may have been greeted with tear gas bombs, water cannons and lathi charge but that led to plans of reclaiming the streets for New Years Eve and boycotting Republic Day. We need to keep this chain reaction going. It’s the only way. Those who are in India, attend as many protests as possible. Utilise every opportunity to voice your opinions and reiterate required solutions. Get your lazy friends out of their houses. Get your inactive relatives to contribute. Watch and read the news regularly. Social networking is helpful in reminding us of other serious acts of violence that have been committed against women in India before, with people being encouraged to share old news. Don’t laugh at it. Let it intensify your anger. And don’t think that a Facebook status or a tweet goes to waste. It’s just as important as a protest involving a thousand people.